Mudpies and Make-up: Faith

Please pray for our town, and for our state which is literally on fire.

We are safe so far, but our hearts are broken for the damage the fire is causing, and for the thousands of people who have been evacuated.

It’s times like this that can be difficult to understand God’s plan.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future.”

–Jeremiah 29:11

It can become hard to see what good could possibly come out of a situation like this.

And we know that God causes everything

to work together for the good of those

who love God and are called according

to his purpose for them.

-Romans 8:28

No matter the reason or the outcome, it does give us an opportunity to stay right at the foot of the throne, and lean on The One who gives us hope.

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.

-Psalm 46:1

It hasn’t been very long that I’ve been a mother.

Eight short years.

A wailing, bald headed, blue eyed, bouncing baby boy turned me into mother, just eight short years ago. We surprised our church family then, by simply walking in on Mother's Day, babe in arms, and announced that we’d become a family that week. Oh the JOY!

“For this child I prayed…..”

- 1 Samuel 1:27

Just like that, in the beauty and surprise of adoption, we’d grown into a family. I think I believed that just as quickly as I became a mother, I would also become a good mother.

In those earliest years, my young, naive, idealistic hopes of what kind of a mother I would be, painted a picture perfect woman. She was always cheery, never lost her temper, planned ahead, and was overly prepared and organized. She was fun, and kind, and beautiful. She knew how to balance it all between loads of laundry, and stacks of dirty dishes. She never seemed to run out of energy or fresh ideas or resources to make it all happen. Her children would model that all of her hard work was paying off because they were well behaved, well groomed, smart, and fun little people to be around.

It seemed like a simple equation.

And then God grew our family overnight again, and our family quickly grew by one more. And suddenly, I was overwhelmed. I had barely gotten into a routine and now needed to adapt to a new one. I was tired, weary, behind on chores. And broke. My hopes of becoming that dreamy mother I wanted to be, quickly dissolved into the mess that I had become. My new dream was more short term. Most days I just dreamt that I would get to take a shower….

By the time the girls came around, I mostly felt like a walking time bomb.

Or a zombie. Either way, most days took too much energy to really enjoy this phase of motherhood. I was in complete survival mode and sadly don’t have many memories of this time. I was consumed with all the things I was telling myself I needed to do to be a good mother, and severely lacking the ability to actually pull it off.

“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under Heaven…”

– Ecclesiastes 3:1

Here I was, blessed beyond measure with four of the most precious, beautiful children that a woman could ever dream of, and if it weren’t for mounds of pictures and my journal, I wouldn’t have anything to remember it by.

I fail daily as their mother.

I loose my temper. I scream. I plan poorly and we have to eat PB&J for dinner....again. I tend to over-react, and turn little things into big things. I am constantly behind on laundry, and so the baby wears pajamas 3 days in a row. I stay up way too late, and then am grouchy in the morning because I’m tired. I can be demanding, and ask too much of them. I tend to be distracted when they talk to me. I fear I am not teaching them balance between needs and wants. And worry that I am not demonstrating forgiveness. The list goes on and on….

I am constantly torn between knowing that it all goes by really fast, and actually taking or finding the time to enjoy it all. Because I have mounded expectations on myself, and have a never ending To-Do list that runs through my brain all day. For some reason I have bought into the lie that a good mom does…rather than a good mom is.

The legacy that I want to leave for my kids has nothing to do with what I did for them, but how I was with them. I want them to be able to say:

My Mom is a good listener.

My Mom spends quality time with me.

My Mom demonstrates forgiveness, grace, and constant love.

My Mom prays for me, over me, and with me.

My Mom doesn’t sweat the small stuff.

My Mom cheers me on.

All of those things are much more important to me than having a clean house, or finishing up one more project, or cooking fancy meals. Truthfully, I can’t be the mother that I think I should be. I am far too imperfect. Eight years of striving for it has shown me nothing but failure in it.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

– 2 Corinthians 12:9

But I can be the mother that Christ has called me to be. Trusting and knowing that He alone planned and ordained our family, matching us up according to His plan. He alone gives me the ability to keep striving every day, to make a difference in these four little lives that I’ve been entrusted to care for. He alone can cover over all of my mess-ups, all of my imperfections, all of my shortcomings. He is the only one who can fill me with the qualities of the mother He desires me to be. All I have to do is ask Him.

"And we are confident that He hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases Him. And since we know

He hears us when we make our requests, we also know that He will give us what we ask for."

–I John 5:14-15

This Mother’s Day I am focusing on the mother I can be through Christ, and praising Him for the opportunity to be a mom!