Thursday, January 30, 2014

keeping on

I’m not gonna lie, or sugar coat it. 

This week has been hard.

Like I want to give up-throw in the towel-wash my hands of it-hard

This season of homeschooling is excruciatingly long and difficult and I am really struggling to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep on trucking.  I am bone weary of the constant non-changing issues that have ruled over my home education efforts for the last three school years.  The constant rudeness, the complaining, the bad attitudes, the entitlement affirming temper-tantrums, and the flat out meanness that one of my children insists on sharing with us day in and day out. 

No matter the consistency, the love, the endurance, no change takes place.

and I am tired.

I could really use a fresh perspective and a new set of eyes in which to look through.  I need a glimpse or even the tiniest bite of fruit to boost my confidence that all of this is worth it.  A little bit of understanding why I’ve been called to this role and why I keep having to fill it, even as I so faithfully prove I’m lousy at it.

I read once that this stage of the parenting game that I am in is best described as the Age of Endurance. The race we are not to quit because the end is just around the bend even if we can’t see it. The days are long, but the years are quick.

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9
I believe God for His promises and I trust that He will faithfully provide.  But I am feeling particularly bewildered and alone in the process.  I want so much for my kids to know how dearly they are loved. I want for them to have memories, good ones, the kind that make them smile.  I want them to have strong character, a sense for who they are, and whose they are.

In the scheme of it all, I care less about what they know from a school book and more about the kind of person they are becoming.  I want to see them for the creativity that they share, the smiles on their faces, and the contentment in their hearts for all that they have been given.  So when my goals and ideals are so blatantly missed, I can’t help but feel a complete failure. The battle is proving to be so hard and I have grown so weary, that I struggle to see all the fruit in my children and instead focus on the weeds. 

We all have weeds.  And who needs a mom looking at their weeds instead of cultivating their fruit?

There is going to be some changes in our homeschool.  You may notice it in my future posts that things seem different, and that’s because they are.  My prayer and my hope is that this is for a short time with a quick lesson and a change of heart.  If there is one thing I have learned though, I am not in the business of changing hearts.  Only the Spirit can do that work. Please understand that we are doing what we can to nurture each of our children the way we feel led to do and that there has been much discussion, prayer, and heartbreak over it.  I offer no wisdom, no answers for my situation.  But I thought I’d share in case you ever felt the same.  Maybe you could know that you are not alone.  Maybe you can share what has encouraged you.  Maybe you could join me in praying….

Mommy Moments2


Nicole said...

I feel you girl. Josie and gabe aren't nearly as pleasant with each other as I want. And whir Josie is happy and charming most the time, as soon as school starts she is grumpy and rude. It makes me feel like she'd be better off at public school. My biggest problem is I'm very aware that her rudeness was learned from me. Ugh. Trying to readjust my own attitude and hoping hers will follow. Praying for you girl.

Zoe Racca said...

Hey honey. I had no idea things were getting so difficult for you. My internet is terrible at the best of I'm doing good if I can even post to my own blog let alone check my friends'. It decided to cooperate today, however, and I couldn't help but feel led to see what you guys have been up to. I wish I could be there to give you a great big hug!!! If you have to put your boys in public school, it isn't the end of the world. You have 4 beautiful children pulling you in 4 very different directions and there's only SO MUCH that 1 wonderful woman can do! I so very badly wish I could help in some way though. If you need anything, text me. My internet is terrible, like I said, and my phone reception is even worse in this vast nothingness that is Farmington, New Mexico. I can't make it through a single 5 minute phone call without telling someone "I can't hear you, sorry you're breaking up." a thousand times. :( But! My texting works the best and email too (I can check it from my phone sometimes.) I know I'm kinda far away, but I am always here for you when you need to vent or need a long distance hug. :) Keep your chin up lady...everything happens for a reason.